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03 Dec 2024
 Mental Fitness, Online Counselling Permalink

Counsellors should be nervous!

December 3, 2024

It might seem strange to say that “counsellors should be nervous”. i would put it a little stronger than that: As a counsellor, if I were to meet with another counsellor who was not nervous about seeing me, I would be concerned! Let me explain why.

Whenever I see a client, I feel nervous, even if I have worked with that client for a long time. This nervousness is a good sign; it indicates that I am ready for action. It activates my fight-or-flight response, a natural physiological reaction that prepares the body to either confront or flee from a perceived threat.

This ‘fight’ response, in the context of counselling, reminds me that I am alive and ready to engage. It shows I am not approaching this meeting as if it were ‘just another client.’ Instead, it reveals my readiness to emotionally connect with another person. This emotional connection is at the heart of our work as counsellors, making each session unique and impactful.

More importantly, why do I feel nervous? It’s not because I am meeting with a client; I do that every day. Instead, it is because I am about to share a privileged moment with a client. During our counselling sessions, we explore the full range of human experiences and emotions, from conception to death. Ultimately, very little of a person’s life remains hidden; the client opens up, revealing all aspects of their existence. How can anyone call themselves a counsellor and not feel in awe of such a privilege?

It is an honour to be entrusted with the intimate details of a person’s life. How could I not feel nervous about what a client might bring to our session? Each week, I face the unpredictability of their issues, and this uncertainty is part of what makes my job dynamic and engaging. The unpredictability, the challenge, and the excitement of not knowing what a client might bring to our session is what makes our work as counsellors so invigorating.

so I repeat – your counsellors should be nervous, it makes them a better counsellor.

 

 

 

31 Oct 2024
 Mental Fitness Permalink
procrastinating

Stop procrastinating and get mentally fit

October 31, 2024

One of the hallmarks of being human is our ability to adapt to different environments and situations. We in the UK have rarely faced core survival issues, but in our fast-paced society, we still need to adapt very quickly to solve problems creatively, make decisions and decide on a course of action.

Some people seem to thrive living on the edge of chaos; however, most of us struggle, even if we try to portray an image of always being in control. We often ignore things going wrong, preferring to complain while naively hoping they will go away. We have been at the top of the food chain for so long that we no longer recognise threats; we smugly think we can deal with anything life throws at us.

When something goes wrong, we try to ignore it, trusting in the time-honoured problem-solving process of procrastination – do nothing until there is only one sub-optimal choice available, and then take it. All the time, waiting, getting stressed, overloaded, anxious, and frustrated as our lives are put on hold. Just think about how often relationships fall apart because minor issues are not dealt with when they happen; how we can become even more frustrated by our partner, winding ourselves up waiting for them to realise what they have done wrong – and getting angry with them for not knowing.

We all face different challenges in different contexts and respond in different ways. Being mentally fit, making the most of our emotional intelligence, and becoming self-aware and other-aware helps us face, survive, and adapt to these daily challenges.

If you want to get mentally fit – get in touch!

30 Oct 2024
 Counselling, Mental Fitness, Mental Health, Online Counselling Permalink

Why men could do with seeing a counsellor

October 30, 2024

Why bother with counselling, especially a counselling approach designed with men in mind?

The answer is quite simple: you will be more balanced, and better relationships come with more balance.

I will not say you will be happier; who knows what that means anyway! Nor will I say that you will not have ups and downs. I am not even going to say that you will have control over your life; too many things around us are outside of our control. You can have a greater sense of balance, where you begin to control your emotional responses to what is happening around you.

What counselling offers is an opportunity to get our body and mind better. To get to know our body and mind better, we must learn to listen and understand what it is trying to tell us. Instead of constantly fighting with our minds, we should try to work with them. By learning how to be comfortable with ourselves, we can avoid getting stuck in a cycle of hurt, anxiety, and depression. We must become more receptive and aware of our everyday lives to achieve this.

Real men are willing to try counselling

Men are often taught to push their emotions to one side; even in this age of so-called openness and mental health awareness, they close themselves off. For many men, even acknowledging that they are emotional can be emasculating. But is it masculine not to experience the full range of emotions? To live a life like a robot, only going through the motions, running away from anything a little scary for us? Real men are willing to take risks and get to know themselves and others.

What is really going on inside? Am I brave enough to ask: ‘How am I doing?’. What are some of the emotions I am experiencing? Do I even know what the emotions are? I might recognise the feelings, but can I describe them? Can I put it into words? What’s driving these emotions? What has led to these emotions? How do I communicate this to other people? Do I want to talk to others about these emotions? If so, or if not, why?

Counselling is not just about sharing; it is about discovering what is happening and understanding why your emotions are over/under-reacting.

4 Stages to Changing Your Life

We follow a four-stage process:

Stage 1: You’re doing this stage already: have a read of the website. The website tells you what I can and do not offer in general terms.

Stage 2: If you like what you have read and think I can help, start to clarify what you would want from counselling. What are your motivations for or intentions from coming into a counselling relationship with me? Are you coming voluntarily? If someone is forcing you, counselling will not work; you must do it for yourself: it must be your option, your decision. Also, what are your hopes and fears? What do you need help with?

The initial session is about helping you clarify some of these points, but it is best to think beforehand.

Stage 3: What can I offer you: how can I uniquely help you? The website gives details of general points. We will discuss how I can help you and your specific challenges in the initial session. While I will talk about the nuts and bolts of counselling, my real focus is on how I can help you in your situation. I look for clients who are ready and willing to engage, commit, and invest their time, emotional capital, and money (I cannot live off just bread and wine) to overcome their struggles; reluctant clients, as opposed to those who are unsure where to start, will struggle with the counselling process.

Stage 4: Come and see what we can do together. Let’s have a few sessions where you can get to know me and how I work, and I will walk with you. The sessions will be challenging, but you wouldn’t go to a personal trainer at the gym who points to the equipment and says do want you want: you want to be challenged and guided to tune into your emotions, deepen your understanding and begin to live a full, balanced life.

Any other reasons to try counselling

Why do this?

  • Because your wife or girlfriend will be so grateful that you can talk about what is happening.
  • Your future children will love the idea that you are open to them, know about your emotions, respond to them, communicate with them, treat them (especially your future sons) and understand what is happening to them, your children.
  • Your colleagues at work know that you can listen and understand, which means you will be able to identify a better course of action.

More importantly, you won’t spend your life worrying about what has happened or might happen; instead, you will focus on what is happening.

Now get in touch; if not now, when?

29 Oct 2024
 Counselling, Mental Fitness, Online Counselling Permalink

Finding the best counsellor for you

October 29, 2024

The best counsellor is the one that is best for you!

You should always have a list of questions to ask any counsellor you consider working with. While some questions should be about how the counsellor can help your particular issue, others are more general.

Before you invest your time, money and emotional well-being in a counsellor, please take the time to ensure the counsellor you intend to see is professionally qualified, accredited, and registered with a professional body.

When you have spoken to the counsellor, go away and think about what was said. If you feel pressured to sign up straight away – walk away.

If you feel uncomfortable, except for the natural nervousness of talking to a counsellor, walk away!

Some things to think about

WHAT APPROACH TO COUNSELLING ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

There are many different approaches to counselling; some will be more suitable for you than others. (For example, long-term versus short-term, individual or group therapy, analytical or conversational) and see if that fits your expectations.If you need to know what approach you like, describe your problem and ask the counsellor how their approach would work. For example, will they sit silently and wait for you to fill the gaps, or do they have a more conversational style? Do they use imagery, or drama, or art?

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM THE COUNSELLOR?

You may not know exactly what is wrong, but you know something is wrong; many people start from the same place. Many people struggle with explaining what is happening and why, but that shouldn’t stop you from looking forward to thinking about where or how you want to be after counselling.

DOES THE COUNSELLOR BELONG TO A PROFESSIONAL BODY?

BACP, NCS, IPN, UKCP, and BPS are the main acronyms you want to see.

It is essential to realise that, unlike psychologists, the title ‘counsellor’ is not protected, which means anyone can call themselves a counsellor.

I am a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). After 20 years, I have realised that many good counsellors choose to work outside of the professional bodies, and there are a few bad ones who are members. You really need to talk to them and assess them for yourselves.

If a counsellor is not a member of any professional body/network, beware. They may have failed to meet industry membership standards. Non-registered counsellors may also be professionals who have been deregistered. Such “counsellors” might try to tell you that standards are not necessary or they have alternative qualifications. Consider whether you want your accountant, dentist, doctor or solicitor to tell you the same thing!

IS THE COUNSELLOR SUITABLY QUALIFIED?

Qualifications alone are not an assurance that someone is a good counsellor, but they are a starting point that lets you know that a person can think differently.

I might be biased but not all qualifications are the same nor are counselling professional bodies. My first counselling course was, in hindsight, was very poor. I was not equipped to go and work with clients properly and yet the course was ‘professionally accredited’ by a major body. Thankfully, the University of Bristol counselling and academic (MSc and PhD) courses sorted me out to a high professional level. For example, a PhD not only means that the counsellor is a specialist in their given subject but that they can think differently. When trying to understand a tricky problem, one must see it from a different theoretical or philosophical perspective that might provide the answer to the problem.

CHECK YOUR FINANCES!

Counselling can be expensive. You will be making a commitment for several weeks, months, or, with some approaches, years. If you have a specific issue, this may mean that you need a short course in counselling; if you have a complex trauma, the financial cost will be higher.

ASK POINTED QUESTIONS:

  • How many years have you been in practice?
  • How much experience have you had working on my issue?
  • What do you consider to be your primary area of expertise? And what special training have you had in those areas?
  • What will the fees cost you? Are there any charges for missed sessions? And, if possible, how long might therapy take?
  • Does the counsellor offer a free taster session to get to know them and their counselling style?
  • Are there any charges for missed sessions?

When you talk to the counsellor for the first time:

  • Was the counsellor a good listener: did you feel ‘heard’?
  • Was the counsellor easy to talk to?
  • Did you feel the counsellor was judging you – apart from the unease of assessing what you are saying?
  • Was the counsellor authentic: did you feel that they were genuinely interested in you and not just doing a job? This is crucial as it makes you feel valued and respected.
  • Could the counsellor read your body language and hear your words? While this is difficult on a video call, the counsellor should still be able to read your facial and other gestures.
  • Did the counsellor behave appropriately/professionally?

Please don’t just go to the first counsellor you find on the search engine, do some research: this is your mental health and mental fitness, and money we are talking about!

25 Oct 2024
 Uncategorized Permalink

Don’t be mindless, be mindful!

October 25, 2024

Over the few years, I have delivered a series of workshops for a large company on mindfulness at work. In the workshops, I explored how people can use mindfulness techniques to live a productive life in and out of work.

Some might remember that I have a frustrating relationship with mindfulness. The current vogue of the positive psychology movement to push mindfulness as an object, a box to be ticked, is unfortunate. Mindfulness should be part of the process of how we live our lives, not as a product to be consumed. (Look at a previous post, “On the fad for mindfulness”, on this topic.)

I adopt a deceptively simple approach to counselling based on four key phases:

  • explore what is (or has been) going on,
  • reflect on those experiences,
  • understand what has been happening, and
then
  • choose the best-fit action that will work for us – and be adapted to meet future circumstances.

This series of blogs will follow the same pattern, looking at where we are as a society and as Persons, mixing theory and practice to help you choose the best fit for you to move forward and live your life as a person, not as an individual.

The distinction between our being a ‘Person’ and an ‘Individual’ is essential to understand all that I do and to understand why I emphasise living a productive life. (See here for a fuller explanation). We need to be more effective in our lives. To do this, we need to use good mindfulness tools that teach us to become more aware of what is happening around us. Which, in turn, allows us to gain perspective on those things that hold us back in our lives or the concerns that inflect stress and anxiety.

Becoming a Person means becoming mentally fit for living a rich and rewarding life in relationship with those around us working for the common good.

25 Oct 2024
 Uncategorized Permalink

Why being an individual hurts our humanity

October 25, 2024

Ancient insights

An ancient insight suggests that a human comprises two parts: being an Individual and a Person (Gracia, 1991; Luhmann, 1992). The Individual links us to other animate and inanimate objects, where we are a category bound by the laws of cosmic, ethical, and historical influences – no different to rocks, plants, stars or other animals. Through our awareness, creativity, liberty and ability to reason, we become a unique Person (Maritain, 1946; Gracia, 1991).

As humans, we are both Individuals and Persons; however, the Person must be in the ascendancy. And yet, many of us have been reduced, by consumerist and Individualist cultures, too little more than Individuals; being encouraged to live robotic and isolated lives, simply consuming whatever is put before us; food, technology, TV box sets etc. When the Individual is in the ascendancy, we become homogenised, losing what differentiates us not only from the other orders of creation but also from other human beings.

Individuals are less than human.

In many workplaces, you hear the suggestion that ‘we are not a community; we are a pack of animals.’ McCowan (2006, p.60) categorises this pack of individuals as ‘alienated individualism’, where people either separate themselves or are excluded from their community and prioritise their own needs.

In my PhD research, the data analysis supported McCowan’s arguments by highlighting those circumstances where people, acting as Individuals, prioritise the achievement of objectives at the expense of the team while demonstrating a lack of awareness of their impact on others and showing a lack of understanding (or even concern) by many of their effect on the behaviour on their colleagues.

An Individual is an animate being who seeks to satisfy their immediate needs without recourse to reflection or reason, no longer caring about creating anything, trapped in Freud’s oral stage of development, simply consuming everything around them. As an Individual (automaton/robot), acting upon instinct, bound by processes, procedures or task lists (what might be called ‘servile work’, we try to exercise control over that which we can influence, which is that which we consume. At a symbolic or magical level, by consuming, we are incorporating something that cannot be taken away for the sake of possession.

The Individual as a consumer ‘is the eternal suckling crying for the bottle’ (Fromm, 1976, p.36). We are suckled at the breast of the manufacturers of the latest fashion, software, phones, cars, TV box sets, and fast food craze, to name a few, gradually living an isolated existence between work and the distraction of consumption at home. By contrast, the Person engaging with the metaphysical meaning ‘beyond the physical’ (Ocalan, 2015, p.57) aspects of their humanity moves beyond consumption to production.

Developing as human persons

The central concept I introduced in my PhD thesis, Being-Fun, emphasised the development of humans as Persons in relationship with the extended community. Barney Glaser (the developer of the Classical Grounded Theory (CGT) research method I used in my study) argued in favour of developing the social value of individual researchers/analysts and the CGT community.

CGT is a research method rooted in the community; the method gains from encountering the community in context and then offers a theory back to the same community. It is a mutually symbiotic and autopoietic relationship which works for the common good. Furthermore, the emphasis placed by Glaser on developing awareness, creativity and critical thinking among researchers responds to the ancient call for the movement from Individual to Person.

We are not all CGT researchers, but the emphasis on awareness, creativity, critical thinking and building our own social value as a Person is something we can all strive to achieve and is a central pillar of my work as a counsellor.

References:

FROMM, E., 1976. To Have or To Be? Reprint 1976. London: Bloomsbury Academic.
GRACIA, J. J. E., 1991. The Centrality of the Individual in the Philosophy of the Fourteenth Century. History of Philosophy Quarterly, 8(3), pp. 235–251.

LUHMANN, N., 1992a. Communicating with slip boxes: An empirical account. [online] Available at: <http://luhmann.surge.sh/communicating-with-slip-boxes> [Accessed 20 January 2017].

MARITAIN, J., 1946. The Person and the Common Good. The Review of Politics, [e-journal] 8(04), p. 419–419. http://dx.doi.org/10.1017/S0034670500045101.

MCCOWAN, T., 2006. Approaching the political in citizenship education: The perspectives of Paulo Freire and Bernard Crick. Educate, 6(1), pp. 57–70.

25 Oct 2024
 Mental Fitness Permalink
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

On mindfulness – with rancour!

October 25, 2024
I struggle with many of the fads that affect the work of counselling and, more broadly, the world of work. I have lost count of the different ‘best practices’ that have been inflicted on many workplaces, including counselling. Managers, consultants, the popular press, and, it must be admitted, therapists (some responding to the demands of their clients) are quick to try and find the latest quick fix that will resolve all their problems. The shocking news is, as you, dear reader, are more than aware – they won’t.
The present deification of mindfulness is one such fad. Deification is a big word, but the enthusiasm with which people seem to adopt mindfulness reminds me of the enthusiasm that is often found in recent religious converts – or worse still, someone who has recently stopped smoking or managed to hit their target weight. Everyone needs to know how good it is. In this series of ad hoc posts, I will explain why I think that our current enthusiasm is misplaced. It’s not that I am against mindfulness as such, more that I am against the way mindfulness is being sold to us as a cure-all, a bit like the snake oil salesman of the Wild West.
Let’s try and get a few things straight before I begin to rant too much. Mindfulness is not a new word in English. The first recorded use of mindfulness was in 1530 and was used to describe how we can be intentionally attentive; in other words, it described a process, a way of being (Keep hold of this distinction, it is really important to my argument but also to how I work with my clients and live my life).

Over the centuries, the meaning began to change, moving away from developing an understanding (the process) – to focus on, or acknowledging our emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations (the output). In 1889, the purpose of mindfulness was described as a process by which people could rid themselves of lust, craving and desire and cessation of suffering. Once the snake oil sales team gets involved, the purpose of mindfulness (as described in 2011) is dumbed down to become a relaxation technique that reduces stress and blood pressure.
This change in focus reflects a movement from process to technique. For 2,500 years old, Buddhists (and it must be said other religions, including Christianity) taught us techniques to liberate us from what holds us back in life (what might be called ‘right mindfulness’). About 30 years ago, all this changed, and we were offered a target-driven, ‘business’ solution in the form of Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) model (which is often referred to as ‘mindfulness’), from which the most current forms of mindfulness have their origin.
It may go without saying, but for me, the approach we need to have is that of ‘right mindfulness’ as has been tested, and proven to work, for millennia and not just the last 30 years. It is in this tradition that we can see the real value of mindfulness, not as a stand-alone commercial object, but as part of a process of living, which connects right mindfulness with right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, and right concentration in an ethical relationship with our fellow human persons which can only be achieved by being intentionally attentive!
25 Oct 2024
 Mental Fitness, Mental Health, Online Counselling Permalink

Online Counselling is good for your wellbeing

October 25, 2024

During the pandemic, many counsellors moved to provide online counselling. It was quite a big adjustment for many. As things are opening up again, at least for the present, we are having to assess how far we go back to old patterns of work. For some counsellors, this means seeing clients face-to-face (F2F) again; others are offering a blend of online and F2F, while some, like me, are opting to remain working online only.

Making the decision to move to online working was not difficult. There are many advantages for clients to working online, in terms of convenience, flexibility, emotional and physical safety, and reduced stigma of being seen going to a counsellor (see my web page on this topic).

However, some will argue that the outcomes of online counselling are worse than for in-person counselling because you do not have that physical connection. From my experience, this argument is unsubstantiated; it is perfectly possible to build a good relationship with people online and get good outcomes. The good news is that my own experience is supported by the latest academic research.

Researchers from the USA and Australia (Fernandez et al., 2021), in a meta-analysis of 103 studies with over 5,000 participants, found that clinical therapy was ‘no less efficacious when delivered by videoconferencing than in-person.’ When the results of the study are broken-down, there are some clear messages:

  • online counselling provides significant improvements over not
  • having any therapy
    that online counselling and F2F counselling provide essentially identical outcomes
  • online counselling is most successful when Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is used to treat anxiety, depression and PTSD.

This is interesting as it supports a previous study which suggests online therapy leads to a better counsellor/client relationship when working with generalised anxiety issues.

The relationship between the client and counsellor is really important to achieving a successful outcome for therapy. I mentioned above that one of the reasons I moved online with my counselling is because clients seem to be more at ease than when they are in the room with me. A different study (Watts et al. 2020) supported my experience. Interestingly in their study, Watts et al. found that the clients’ experience of tele-therapy was more positive than that of the counsellor!

01 Aug 2016
 Lifestyle No Comments Permalink
Ecological System in Office
Ecological System in Office

Standard Blog Post

August 1, 2016 No Comments

Get the full audio experience without disturbing the neighbors. Far far away, behind the word mountains, far from the countries Vokalia and Consonantia, there live the blind texts. Separated they live in Bookmarksgrove right at the coast of the Semantics, a large language ocean. A small river named Duden flows by their place and supplies it with the necessary regelialia.

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