Anger Management Toolkit

Sometimes we need to just get the anger under control

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Anger is normal

Let’s be clear about one thing straight away; it is normal to get angry. Anger can have a positive effect on your emotions. When you see something happening that is unjust or someone being ripped off or taken advantage of, most of us would feel angry, but it is a wave of anger you are in control anger. When we act, we are left feeling righteous about our actions and anger, experiencing positive feelings by promoting justice, respect, ethical behaviour and morality.

BUT...

When anger controls you, it is a different story. If you are quick to feel a fit of intense rage driven by frustration, inconvenience, or even annoyance (especially when others view the matter as trivial), maybe anger has taken control of you. You might even think or even believe that you are the victim, regarding your anger as a response to perceived injustices, dis-respect, or people deliberately trying to frustrate you, pick on you or criticise you.

There are other tell-tale signs that the anger is unhealthy; our relationships with other people both at home and at work are strained. You find yourself unable to let perceived slights or mistakes go unchallenged.

Ultimately, your quality of life, and that of other people around, begins to suffer.

Be assertive, not aggressive

Listing to some people, you might think that we should be assertive in every situation. I don’t think so; I think it is OK to get angry in the right circumstances, also it might be suitable to be submissive in other circumstances. For example, If I see a traffic warden booking me for incorrect parking, I don’t want to be aggressive or even assertive; if I am submissive, I might be let off. The point is that when we are aware of different options, we can choose. For many of us who struggle with anger, aggression becomes the default behaviour.

Look after your general health and wellbeing

Go for a walk, find some time to be by yourself, get regular exercise, eat healthy meals, and get good quality sleep. All these factors can help in reducing the frustrations that lead to harmful anger taking control.

Other health issues that anger contributes to include high blood pressure, raised cholesterol levels and gastrointestinal problems. One point that few people are aware of is that being angry, in the long term, can cause damage to our brains. The emotion of anger triggers an inflammatory response in the brain that damages the central nervous system at the level of neurons and glial cells. This might not mean much as it is, but if I add that this damage can lead to an increased risk of developing dementia – you might begin to take notice.

Look after your general health and wellbeing

Go for a walk, find some time to be by yourself, get regular exercise, eat healthy meals, and get good quality sleep. All these factors can help in reducing the frustrations that lead to harmful anger taking control.

Other health issues that anger contributes to include high blood pressure, raised cholesterol levels and gastrointestinal problems. One point that few people are aware of is that being angry, in the long term, can cause damage to our brains. The emotion of anger triggers an inflammatory response in the brain that damages the central nervous system at the level of neurons and glial cells. This might not mean much as it is, but if I add that this damage can lead to an increased risk of developing dementia – you might begin to take notice.

Anger affects us physically and mentally

Uncontrolled anger is destructive. Over time, the anger shows itself as intense and harmful, inward and outward focussed actions:

  • Internal actions might include alcohol abuse, drug abuse, addictions to porn, self-harm, poor self-care, risk-taking,
  • External actions: bullying, child abuse, domestic violence, road rage, which can lead to problems with those we care about but also with the law.

However, uncontrolled anger also affects us physically. Most of us know that if we are angry, we are ‘on edge’ ready to fight or run away (the fight and flight mechanism). In this state, we notice our breathing is quicker, and our heart rate quickens; we might get palpitations, sweat more, muscles might shake, the only release we can find is to take action and hit someone.

You might also be aware that you cannot concentrate as much as you used to, spend more time thinking up schemes to get revenge, running over past events and how you could change them.

Modern living causes anger management problems

Just think about how you live your life. Most of us live a fast pace of life which extends to driving. Just think of how other road users (drivers, cyclists and pedestrians) anger us when they are not doing what we want them to, especially if they are not dawdling or ignoring our personal version of the Highway Code.

And it is not just drivers that struggle with road rage. What about when people ignore where they are walking, their heads stuck in their phones, or when they decide to stand or sit right next to us, invading our personal space? A wrong word may start an argument or even a fight.
Maybe we get angry and pass it on to other people. Work might be infuriating, but we have to be friendly, so we take it out on our partners when we get home. Or the other way around, work might be an escape from being at home, a pace where we can let our anger out, in a controlled manner, on colleagues or suppliers.

When we are at home, what about the neighbours’ kids running across our garden, the guy next door deciding to play his music loudly, or the single mum constantly shouting at her kids. Instead of helping or having a quiet word, we sit there fuming, the frustration turning into anger until we let the offending person have it with both barrels.

There are many frustrations that we face every day that wind us up. Being able to respond to these frustrations healthily will help keep you physically and mentally healthy.

Becoming better at anger management

Relax!

The last thing you probably want someone to tell you to do when you are angry is to ‘relax’. And yet, relaxation is one of the keys to managing anger.
We spoke above of the fight and flight mechanism and how it works when we are angry. Well. It is not possible to engage in fight and flight and be relaxed simultaneously – you can only have one or the other.
We can relax simply by being aware of our breathing; taking a few seconds to think about our breathing breaks the automatic response we are used to.

Find a solution!

Anger does not itself provide an answer to the problem you are angry about. Anger often worsens things because the other person usually responds with anger or shuts up (see this post about the ‘Drama Triangle). How about doing something different, focusing on understanding the problem, and then trying to solve it.

Learn to communicate properly

We all know how to talk to other people, don’t we? Actually, no, we don’t. We can pass information to other people, but that is not communication. When we are angry, we stop listening and focus on forcing the other person to hear what we have to say; we become the most important person in the room, and we must be obeyed.
Communication means letting go of our preconceptions and listening to the other person. Seeking to understand rather than be understood.

Find something funny in the situation

Humour is not the same as sarcasm! Humour is not directed at the person but the situation. The aim is to defuse the situation by helping each other find some physical and mental space over what is going on—a distance that allows us to calm down and look at things differently.

Avoid the situation

If you know something will wind you up and get angry, the best thing to do is find out what upsets you about what is going on and deal with it (see point 2: Find a solution). If you can’t find a solution, and you can avoid the situation, then avoid it. Obviously, this is not a solution, nor is it always possible, but if you can stay away and gain a few minutes of breathing space to calm down, do so.

Next steps to manage anger

How to move forward and what happens for men who want to control anger and frustration

  • Step 1: – Nothing happens until you get in touch with me. You can drop me a line on an email, use the contact form, or give me a call on 07792799017
  • Step 2: – Take advantage of a free 30 mins taster session during which we will get to know each other, have a look at your expectations of counselling, see if we feel we can work together, and get an idea of how I will work with you. I will then suggest you go away and think about what was said before booking the next session. The reason for this is essential: I don’t want you to decide in a rush; when you enter counselling, you are making a significant commitment of both time and money
  • Step 3:– We begin working together, in a safe space, where there is no judgement, helping you to understand what is going on and find ways of helping you connect with others that do not leave you feeling angry.

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